Physics Teacher: “Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn’t that wonderful?”
Student: “Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn’t have discovered anything.”
A man talking to God:
The man: “God, how long is a million years?”
God: “To me, it’s about a minute.”
The man: “God, how much is a million dollars?”
God: “To me it’s a penny.”
The man: “God, may I have a penny?”
God: “Wait a minute.”
A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”
The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”
The little girl replied, “My homework.”
The students were lined up in the cafeteria for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
Teacher: “This essay on your dog is, word for word, the same as your brother’s.”
Student: Yes, sir, it is the same dog.”
Teacher: “If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?”
Vincent: “One dollar.”
Teacher: “You don’t know your arithmetic.”
Vincent: “You don’t know my father.”
Teacher: “John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?”
John: “You told me to do it without using tables.”
Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An Impasta
Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator
Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every morning you’ll rise and shine!
Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
A: The lettuce was a “head” and the tomato was trying to “ketchup”!
Q: What did the pencil say to the other pencil?
A: You’re looking sharp.
Q: Knock, knock—-Who’s there?—-Nobel—-Nobel who?
A: No bell, that’s why I knocked!
Q: Knock, knock—-Who’s there?—-Leaf—-Leaf who?
A: Leaf me alone!
Q: Knock, knock—-Who’s There?—-lettuce—-lettuce who?
A: Lettuce in and you’ll find out!
Q: Knock, knock—-Who’s There?—-Figs—-Figs who?
A: Figs the doorbell, it’s broken!
Q: Knock-knock—-Who’s there?—-Alice—-Alice who?
A: Alice fair in love and war.
Q: Knock, knock—-Who’s There?—-Annie—-Annie Who?
A: Annie thing you can do, I can do better.
While visiting a country school, the chairman of the Board Of Education became provoked at the noise the unruly students were making in the next room.
Angrily, he opened the door and grabbed one of the taller boys who seemed to be doing most of the talking. He dragged the boy to the next room and stood him in the corner.
A few minutes later, a small boy stuck his head in the room and pleaded, “Please, sir, may we have our teacher back?”
There was a little boy, his mother was pregnant.
He asked: What’s in your stomach mom?
Mother: Um.. It’s your brother.
Tomorrow, the teacher: Who has little brother or sister?
The little boy: I have a brother but my mother ate him.
Student: “Sir, can I ask a question?”
Student: “How do you put an elephant inside a fridge?”
Teacher: “I don’t know.”
Student: “It’s easy, you just open the fridge and put it in. I have another question!”
Teacher: “Ok, ask.”
Student: “How to put a donkey inside the fridge?”
Teacher: “It’s easy, you just open the fridge and put it in.”
Student: “No sir, You just open the fridge take out the elephant and put it in.”
Student: “Let me ask another one. If all the animals went to the lion’s birthday party, and one animal went missing which one would it be?”
Teacher: “The lion of course! Because it would eat all the animals.”
Student: “No sir, it is the donkey because it’s still inside the fridge.”
Teacher: “Are you kidding me?”
Student: “No sir, 1 last question.”
Student: “If there’s a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to cross, how would you?”
Teacher: “There’s no way, I would need a boat to cross.”
Student: “No sir, you just swim and cross it because all the animals went to the lion’s birthday party…” Teacher: “I have my own question, if all the students come to school except one person, who is the person…”
Student: “No idea sir…”
Teacher: “It’s you because you are on two weeks suspension.”
Teacher: “I killed a person, tell me this sentence in future tense.”
Student: “In future tense, You will go to jail.”
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?” One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.” “You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.” The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
“Dad, I don’t want to go to school today.” said the boy. “Why not, son?” “Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day.” “But why don’t you want to go today?” “Because our English teacher died yesterday!”
Teacher: “I wished you would pay a little attention.”
Pupil: “I’m paying as little as I can!”
Father to son after exam: “Let me see your report card.”
Son: “My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.”
Mom: What did you do at school today?
Mark: We did a guessing game.
Mom: But I thought you were having a math exam.
Mark: That’s right!
Teacher: Students draw a picture of bacteria.
Student: Here it is Mam!
Teacher: Where? It Is Blank.
Student: you told that bacteria cannot be seen with naked eye!
Maria:This is it.
Teacher:Well done. Now class, who found America?